I am beginning to envy left-handed people. I wish I was left-handed, just so I could shoot out of the car while driving.

Not that I would. I just want to have that option.

I am a peaceful person, but I'm starting to believe that if more people got shot, less people would get shot.

Top of the list? Whoever's behind these freakin' Geico commercials.

Everybody has a right to make a buck and everybody has the right to promote themselves. Obviously, even I have a website. But I'm not yanking people around with it:

(me): I have good news!

(crying woman): You found my baby?

(me): No, I'm playing Uncle Funckle's Chuck Butt in Tampa next week!